Just two days ago, I was called in the middle of the night to go pick up a young lady in our ward who was ready to have her first baby. Her husband is deployed in the desert and luckily her mom was here to help her. I hurriedly threw on my clothes, but my hair in a pony tail and thanked God that it was night and I wasn't having to maneuver traffic to get to her. I wasn't sure what my role was going to be, just was happy to be able to pick her up with her mom and take them on base to the birthing clinic. Once we got there, she asked if I could stay and that began a special event for all three of us. I was moved at how glorious a woman's body is and thought of mother Eve as I watched her body shake with her contractions. Truly a mother goes to a depth of pain unlike any she's known before and in the end, a precious little one to love completely. I was so thankful to be there, to feel like I had something to offer in such a precious moment of her life. I was reminded of how I felt as I held my boys, each one, on their first day on earth. What an overwhelming, complete love cocooned us. I thought of my mother. I have been aching lately for her. It's silly that she's been gone for so long and I'm in my 40s and I still miss her so much at times. Books I've read, situations in my life, and blessings given have brought her to the forefront of my mind and heart. How instantaneous was the love this young lady had for her new little Molly. That need to be loved in such a way never goes away. I don't know how to fill that hole inside myself but at least I am not afraid to admit anymore that it exists. Others may feel I am weak. Perhaps I am. I believe we need the nurturing love of an older woman who cocoons you in the love that you are enough, you are beautiful, you are special. I try to give that to my boys. Each one is special to me. They have taught me to give them room to grow, be who they are and to love them anyway. I was grateful to be, for a moment, that older lady looked to for loving nurturing in that delivery room. I have just read the book "The Secret Life of Bees" for my book group. I loved how the young girl in there came to have a group of different older women as her mothers. Not her real mother, since she had died, not who she may have envisioned, but the ones who could take all her pain in, heal her heart, believe in her and love her fully. I love that about other cultures. I want to be that other woman in someone's life as well. I know I have enough love inside to do that, and I want to believe that others can have that for me as well.
With the stresses of the last 5-7 years not weighing down on me like they have, my body and emotions are all over the place. At least I am feeling again. I know I have to go through a pendulum to get to my center. I know what I want to work on, to become more of the person I am meant to be. I am facing things I have run away from for years. I am going to God for my needs and he is directing me to what I need to do. I am grateful that I am immersing myself in service again. I missed that so much.
I know I have not updated the blog in quite some time. I will post a summary of our fun summer soon. I am grateful to be here in Italy. I have wanted this adventure for most of my life. I am grateful I am here with my sweetheart. We have had a wild ride during our 21 years of marriage. How grateful I am that we are still together and enjoying this peaceful beautiful place together. I am grateful for his love for me. For his patience and strength that I lean on right now. I'm grateful for my boys. I am loving having them home for school. I am grateful for the laughter that fills our home. I am grateful for the lessons they teach me. I am grateful for the opportunity to be a mother and to love like a mother. I am grateful right now for the sight of the sun shining through the trees on this beautiful property, reminding me that life is wonderful and full of promise. I am most especially grateful for Christ. I am grateful that I can rest in His hands and He will hold me, heal me and love me. I am grateful that He has set the example of how I want to be so I have something to reach for. I am grateful that I know life goes beyond the here and now, that I can be with my loved ones forever, that God has made a way for all to return to him. I am grateful for repentance. What a blessing for a sinner like me. Mistakes hang heavy on my soul and I am so grateful to be able to hand them over to someone else who can carry them and accepts them with kindness and love.
"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother... Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children... What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." Elder M. Russell Ballard---
Till next time......
No comments:
Post a Comment